The horror

You feel a sense of dread, you look around for the source of danger. Even as you search, your stomach jumps into your chest. Your breathing becomes labored and the first beads of sweat form on your brow. Now, for the first time you see what is haunting your thoughts. Your heart speeds up, beginning to pound like a jackhammer against your ribs. The blood in your legs runs cold and your feet turn to lead. You look left, you look right, but there is no clear escape... You try to scream but your throat slams shut, for all your effort you can only manage a barely audible croak... They're everywhere, down each aisle, at the doors, in the checkout lane. Hold it together!!! For the love of all things holy, HOLD IT TOGETHER!!!!


You keep telling yourself "This is just a bad dream; I'll wake up any minute and be safe at home." But it's not a nightmare, its worse, it’s an average day of shopping at your local large scale retailer and you are surrounded by.....


Hugemart Zombies. AAaaaAAaaHHHhhHH!!!!!!!!


That's right the dreaded, glassy-eyed discount seeking undead. Each of these zombies shambles along the aisles, pushing squeaky wheeled shopping carts. They pick things up, examine them, and put them back. It's almost as if they understand what these things they examine are for.


But alas, poor souls, they are now brain dead and have no understanding of what they are doing. Nothing ever actually goes into the carts. More often then not the zombie will seam to forget they even have a cart, leaving it in the middle of the aisle as they wander off in search of some unknown item. Or, they stand side by side with another zombie, effectively blocking the only transversable floor space between the shelves. They stand there as if fixed to the spot, moaning unintelligibly to one another for what seams like hours.


Last on this incomplete list of the zombies you may run into is the most dreaded of all. The zombie with screaming younger zombies. You have probably seen this type before the ones that the older zombie is completely ignoring the young zombie in the shopping cart. These young zombies seam to be trying to discover the exact decibel level that will liquefy your brain. At the same time they are doing their impromptu sonic scream to the devil they are also trying to perfect their half gainer dive out of the front of the shopping cart. Eventually the elder zombie will grunt out some type of warning. It almost sounds as if they might be saying "Don't make me take you to the bathroom" or "I'm going to tell your dad how bad you where". Of course since you do not speak zombie you can't be sure.


What you do fully understand is that if you don't get the hell out of this store within the next 5 minutes you’re going to have a homicidal fit. So before you stop by the sporting goods department and walk off with a 9 iron to start your depopulation of the current undead residents, take note. The judicial system still frowns on most people when they try to use the “I swear I was just killing zombies” defense. Chalk it up to the large scale disbelief in the living dead…


"Okay." you say "So, I can't destroy every one of these zombie's. What can I do?"

The obvious answer you seek is to shop elsewhere. That's right for a little inconvenience you can avoid all the unpleasantness that comes from spending the time in a store overrun with the brain seeking former living. Not only that but you really do help support your local economy by doing so. So do your part and try and help out the little guy. You know just because he does not stock 300 brands of toilet paper, he still is providing a service to the community.


"But, the local Hugemart has driven all the local retailers out of business!" you cry in dismay.

Not much you can do about that. So if you are forced to cross the threshold into unliving hell then do so prepared. Try and go during off hours. You know, the time you might normally be in bed dreaming of sugar plums. What the hell is a sugar plum anyway? Oh well, back to the point. Go at night if the store is open that late. Yeah, you have to deal with navigating around stock that is usually lying around the floor and lack of staff to try and actually check you out. But hey, at least a majority of the zombies are at home.This also goes for going early in the morning during the normal work week.


The last way to try and deal with avoiding these Hugemart zombies is to shop online. Yep, avoid the lair all together. This of course leads to other problems, like availability, identity theft, shipping, etc…

If none of these solutions works for you then I guess you just have to deal with it. I’ll leave you to deal with the Hugemart zombies. Me, I think I’ll shop online. Oh, one last bit of advice, don’t go for the 9 Iron, pick up the Driver….


Today’s Rant: Complete